letting go
dear dr lewis,
last year I found out that my boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me & threw him out of our shared home. although a year has passed, I can’t seem to move on
we have remained in touch & he says that he wants us to be friends – which I really want as well – but every time we meet up, I get so confused. he always wants to hold my hand & to kiss & cuddle in the way that we used to when we were together. we have also ended up in bed a few times, which always leaves me feeling really upset
when I ask him what’s going on, he says he loves me & that I’m the one that he wants to spend his life with, but that he doesn’t want a relationship right now. I just don’t understand. every time I know he’s going out with the boys I panic, wondering what he’s getting up to & if he’s with someone else. I love him so much, but this is tearing me apart – I can’t eat & am having real trouble sleeping
my friends say that I should forget about him, but I just don’t know how to do that. please help…
emma, ponteland
hi emma,
it sounds like you are in real torment at the moment & I can understand why. this man is playing with your emotions by giving you all of these mixed messages. as lovely as I’m sure it is to hear that you are the one he wants to be with, until he puts his money where his mouth is, this sentimentality is nothing more than cruelty wrapped up in a pretty, little box
by not making a firm decision either way in terms of your relationship, he is keeping you in limbo & he will most likely continue to do this for as long as it suits him. let’s be honest, he’s getting the best of both worlds right now – the freedom to do what he wants as a single man & the comfort of having you in the background to slot into the role of girlfriend whenever he wants to play happy families
sentimentality can be so seductive & I understand how much you want to believe what he is telling you, but it seems that deep down you know that he is simply selling you a fantasy. if he really does mean everything that he says, then surely you would be together
your ex is using you as his comfort blanket & trampling over your heart in the process, which leads me to question whether he really is being a friend to you. would you treat your friends in this way? you deserve to be with someone who truly loves & respects you & this ongoing relationship with your ex is preventing you from finding a better relationship elsewhere
letting go of someone that we love, even though they may be hurting us, is so difficult to do & I can really relate to your struggle. it sounds as though talking to someone impartial could be of real benefit to you, so I wonder if counselling might be an option
by talking it out with a qualified therapist you can come to understand what currently binds you to your ex & why you are prepared to put up with so much nonsense from him. through deepening your understanding of the situation, you will find a way to let go & start moving forward with your own life
good luck
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