listen to your feelings

dear dr lewis,

I don’t know where to start. my friends would all say I have everything any woman could want – a loving family, a good career &, after a recent blip, relative financial security. in spite of all this, I just can’t shake a feeling of emptiness. I know it may seem silly, but at times I feel so unfulfilled & I just can’t work out why

I often find myself arguing with my husband & family over really trivial things & worry that I’m pushing them away… I dislike myself so much when this happens, but I just can’t seem to stop. I hate the way I feel & I don’t feel as though I can talk to anyone about it, because there really shouldn’t be anything wrong. I feel like such a fool writing this down

I don’t want to wallow in self-pity, but I honestly don’t know how to pull myself together. I feel so lonely & confused that it’s really starting to get me down. can you help me?

louise, gosforth

dear louise,

thanks for your email. it must be so difficult when everyone is saying how great your life is & yet you still feel so unhappy. no wonder you feel lonely & frustrated

the first thing that I’d like to say is that you’re not alone. so many of us go through times in life when we experience that emptiness & things don’t feel right, but we can’t quite put our finger on why

people often imagine that we only have the right to be upset about major life events, such as death, serious illness or a relationship breakdown & so the more subtle problems, like lack of fulfilment, often get minimised & therefore overlooked. we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel the way that we do, that other people in the world have to deal with far greater problems & so we surmise that our suffering must simply be a result of a fundamental flaw in our own character. does this ring any bells? isn’t it shocking how unkind we can be to ourselves?

the problem with blaming ourselves in this way is that a) it is simply not true & b) all it serves to do is add an extra layer of guilt & self-criticism for us to deal with, on top of the difficulties that we’re already facing.  what I often say to my clients is that when you get down to the level of human experience – that feeling level – suffering is suffering. there is no hierarchy. whatever the root cause of the pain, the base units of that pain are the same. so, whilst of course it is true that there are people in the world living in incredibly difficult circumstances, this does not mean that our feelings are invalid

feeling fulfilled & purposeful is hugely important to our overall emotional wellbeing, but of course when there are bills to pay, children to care for & a myriad of responsibilities to meet, this aspect of life can fall to the bottom of the priority list. what is really important to remember is that our feelings never lie. in fact, the feelings that you’ve described tend to serve as a little warning sign to let us know that something in our life has got to change

although at the moment you may not know why you’re feeling unfulfilled, there will definitely be a good reason. you just need some help to figure out what it is that this feeling is trying to tell you

it sounds as though counselling could be really beneficial for you at this time. talking in confidence to an impartial, qualified therapist will help you to get to the bottom of your feelings & to start to make the changes that are required for you to shake that empty feeling

things will definitely get better.

good luck